Philip Mellor: History

Believed to be genetically constructed from alien bacterial DNA found in an asteroid which crashed into the ocean over ten million years ago, Phillippe Mellor-Von-Arsecactus was born and raised in a hospital and house, respectively. He lived an uneventful childhood and left his home town of New Gibbonsborough, Northern Australia, at the age of fourteen to go backpacking across the globe.

Following a potentially fatal injury in Tanzania, involving three rampant aardvarks, a vat of hydrochloric acid and a chinese meat cleaver, Phillippe settled in Southern America and became a founder member of the Confederation for Rabid Animal Protection. A little hard work and a lot of bribery and corruption led to a series of promotions, culminating with Phillippe receiving the honory title of Confederation President.

Eventually, after thirty-four years in the Confederation, Phillippe resigned from his lofty position to persue a new career - in Norwegian haggis farming. Although this could not be considered a commercial success, a mix-up between shipments of dried haggis fodder to the farm with bags of gunpowder destined for the Middle East led to the invention of the Errupting Haggis™ (patent pending). After being deported from Scandinavia for illegal Haggis-rustling during the Swedish civil war of 1976, Phillippe went into hiding for eighteen months before deciding to create a new identity for himself.

Deciding that a floppy brown hat, two large plastic beards and walking with a pronounced limp (spelt L-I-M-P, pronounced "limp") was not enough of a new identity, Phillippe came to the conclusion that more drastic measures were needed.

After undergoing major chronological surgery to evoke what amounted to a decrease in his age, from nearly 52 years to 11, he assumed the pseudonym of Philip Mellor and defected to Leeds, England. Since then he has been masqueruading as a pupil at the local comprehensive, Horsforth School.

A devoted member of the Acorn sucicide clan, Philip is also a major player in the Bill Gates assassination squad, and spends his days sitting at his computer, ready to spring into action when he receives his mission brief...