The sad jokes page!
Warning: These jokes could seriously damage your health...
There is absolutely no point to this page, other than to say that if you have any really terrible jokes then please e-mail them to me so I can add them to this page and put them out of their misery.
Did you hear the one about the dessert that kept trying to jump off the table?
It was a lemming meringue pie!
What goes tick tick woof woof?
What do you call a sheep without any legs?
What do you call a Skoda on the top of a hill?
What do you call a Skoda with two exhausts?
How do you double the value of a Skoda?
Fill it with petrol!
What's the difference between a Skoda and a golf ball?
You can drive the golf ball 50 yards.
Why did the one eyed chicken cross the road?
To get to the birds eye factory.
Why do so many foods come in plastic packages? It's quite uncanny...
What's brown and sticky?
What goes arrrgh black white black white black white black white black white splat?
A nun falling down the stairs.
Did you hear the one about the fat friar?
He was a chipmonk.
Did you hear about the monastry that cost a shilling to get in?
It was a Bob Monkhouse
What did the duck say when he bought a newspaper?
Stick it on my bill.
There were two nuns driving home in a car. Suddenly a vampire jumped infront of the car!
"Quick! Show him your cross!" said the first nun.
"Sod off Dracula" she said.
Where do apes cook their toast?
Under the gorilla.
What's black and white and red all over?
A sunburnt penguin!
Why did the bubblegum cross the road?
It was stuck to the chicken's foot.
Did you hear the joke about the eggs?
People who like mushrooms are really fun guys! (fungi's! bo-boom!)
What's orange and like a parrot?
A man wanted a job at a building site, so he went to see the foreman.
"I'm a handy man, and I want a job." he said
"Well... Can you do any bricklaying?" asked the foreman.
"Can you do some carpentry?"
"No, not really."
"What about tiling?"
"I've never done it in my life!"
"Can't you do anything?" said the foreman. "What makes you a handy man, then?"
"I just live 'round the corner!"
The interrupting cow.
A man entered a dentist's surgery.
"How much does it cost to have a tooth extracted?" he asked the dentist.
"Ninety pounds." replied the dentist.
"That's a complete rip-off! Can you do it any cheaper?"
"Well, I could do it without any anaesthetic - that would cost fifty pounds."
"Fifty? That's still too expensive!" said the man. "Can't you make it any cheaper?"
"Well, I could let my six year old son do it, without tools or anaesthetic," said the dentist. "That would cost only a fiver."
"Well that sounds very reasonable," said the man. "I'll book the wife in for next week..."
A man thought that his wife was having an affair, so one day he returned home early from work, so that he could check up on her.
When he arrived at his house, he found his wife in a bathrobe which aroused his suspicions...
"You're having an affair!" he shouted.
"No, I'm not! Honest!" cried his wife.
Despite these protests, the man disbelieved her, and proceeded to search the house. He looked in the cupboards, the wardrobe, under the bed; even in the garden shed - but he couldn't find his wife's lover anywhere.
Then he looked out of the kitchen window and saw a man standing on the pavement smoking a cigarette. Assuming this man to be the lover, he picked up the fridge, opened the front door and threw it at the man. Against all laws of physics, the fridge landed heavily on the smoking man, killing him instantly.
Then the husband suffered a fatal heart attack, due to the strain of lifting the fridge...
...He awoke outside the gates to Heaven, along with two other men.
There was a fanfare of trumpets, and God entered. He asked the first man how he died.
"I was an insurance man visting a client, and was just having a cigarette when a fridge squashed me."
"I'm very sorry about that," said God, and then turned to the second man. "How did you die?"
"I thought that man was having an affair with my wife, so I threw the fridge at him - but I had a heart attack."
"Fair enough." said God, before turning to the third man, who was completely naked. "How did you die?"
"Well, I was just sitting in this fridge..."
Policeman: Do you recognise this woman?
Witness: Yes, she tried to give me a fiver.
Witness: She's got two of them.
Once upon a time there was a farmer called Farmer Boffin. He was a very old man, and was very wary about all these new fangled labour saving machines, such as tractors, harvesters and all that gubbins. And so, for most of his farming life, he did everything using traditional methods - horses to plough the fields, cutting the wheat with a sycthe and so on.
But one day, on his seventy-ninth birthday, he was riding his new horse, Dobbin, rounding up the sheep ready for shearing, when Concorde flew low overhead. Whuuuurrrrmppphhhh! Like that. His horse was startled and rose up on its hind legs, throwing Farmer Boffin to the ground, breaking his back.
He was rushed to hospital, and the doctors did everything they could to save him. Thankfully he survived this accident, but the doctors told him he would never walk again.
"But how can I carry on working on my farm?" he protested. The doctors thought about this for a while, and then suggested getting a tractor. So he did.
And half a year passed, until it was time for the harvest. Farmer Boffin had bought a special kind of combine harvester to harvest all the grain he had in one of his fields, and he went to bed, excited that he would be able to try out his harvester. But during the night, there was a torrential rainstorm. The rain came lashing down onto the farm. Thunder boomed and lightning flashed. Oooh, it was a terrible storm. When the farmer got up in the morning he discovered that all his seed was soaked. He didn't think this would be much of a problem though, so he started his special harvester anyway.
Now, the special thing about this harvester was that it had a huge windpipe and fan at the back, so all you had to do was reverse the harvester into the grain, and it would all be sucked up into the storage compartment. Great! thought the farmer. So he started work, but there was a problem. The grain just wouldn't be sucked into the harvester! Farmer Boffin thought about this for a while, and decided to see the mechanic who had sold him the harvester.
"It's simple." said the mechanic. "Your grain's too soggy. Try again tomorrow after the sun's dried the seed."
"Oooharr! I'll try that!" said the farmer. And sure enough, the next day, Farmer Boffin special harvester sucked the seed up perfectly - hence the expression "If at first you don't suck seed, try drier grain!" !!!