Write here. Right now.

Please fill in your answers to the questions, which are questioned below in a suitably questionable format, by pushing the motion-controlled input device to position the on-screen pointer over each textual input box, and then applying your fingers to the relevant push-buttons on the keyboard in such a fashion as to cause alphanumeric characters to appear on the visual display unit, in an order which follow the standards of the English language which convey meaning of your decided reply. Once you are satisfied with your answers, reposition the operation indicator over the clickable command button labelled with the letters 'S', 'u', 'b', 'm', 'i' and 't', and depress the attached switch. Is that clear?

Section A: Impersonal information

First words spoken as a baby:
Reason for living:
Claim to fame:
Does your appearance resemble any famous personality, eg. Rolf Harris, Adolf Hitler, Wizadora?
What special facial features do you have?
Eye patch
Bald patch
What sort of hat are you wearing (if any?)
Are you currently in a relationship?
Yes   No

If yes, who wears the trousers?
You   Your partner
Both   Neither   N/A

Please describe, in five words or less, how you came to be where you are today.

Section B: Whatcha like?

Favourite colour:
Favourite Father Jack catchphrase:
How well can you play the Russian banjo?
Your opinion on Shreddies:
How do you eat yours?

Section C: Idealism

Ideal woman:
Ideal man:
Ideal home exhibition:

Section D: Feeling down?

Have you ever fallen out of a tree? Yes   No
If yes, how?
If no, why not?

Section E: Yet another section

Are you fed up with these questions?
Do you say 'scone' to rhyme with con or cone?

Section F: The rich and famous and Rolf Harris

Who is better, Richard Whitely or Rolf Harris?
Who is better, Mother Theresa or Ronnie Corbet?
Is Michael Buerk a berk??
Is Kirsty Young young?
In your opinion, does Mo Molam look like Maureen Rees?
And does Russell Grant look like Eddie Large?
How does Anthea Turner get away with it?

Section G: Philosophy

What would chairs look like if our knees bent the other way?
Where does your lap go when you stand up?

Section H: Natural habitats

What is your most annoying habit?
Nuns and monks only: What is your most annoying habit?

Section I: Ungeneral knowledge

If you drove a bus from Land's End with 30 passengers, picked up 20 people from London, travelled to Leeds (via Birmingham where you dropped off 12 passengers) where you picked up a further 8 people, and then continued on to John O'Groats picking up 28 more passengers on the way and leaving one behind by accident in a service station toilets, what would be the drivers name?
If you were trapped in a deserted house late at night, with an oil lamp, a gas fire, a stove full of wood, and only one match, which would you light first?

Section J: Those oh-so important questions

Why did the chicken cross the road?
What should we do with the drunken sailor?
I'm a loser baby, so why don't you kill me?

Sections K, L, M, N, O, P, Q, R, S, T, U, V(i) and (ii), W, X and Y:

If feel the need to describe in detail the eating habits of an ox, wilderbeast or other bovine animal, please do so in the designated area below. Under no circumstances may the constitution of a cow's stomach be discussed anywhere but in this specially provided section.

Section Z:

Any other comments, eg. What the hell is all this about?